FADE IN:

INT. Los Angeles apartment – Night

STEROTYPICAL GAMER DUDE sits at a computer as the character in his computer game is killed gruesomely. He walks in on his roommate having sex with a girl. They exchange remarks about computer games. This, being a group exchange, validates how oddly obsessive these people are acting with regard to computer games. If he were alone it would just be creepy and a bit sad. It also suggests that people who are obsessed with video games actually get to have sex with real girls.

STEROTYPICAL GAMER DUDE is killed in exactly the same way his game character was, how cool and relevant to today’s culture of artificiality!

HERO
Hey, group of friends. I just got back from the funeral where I was given this computer game. Btw, due to some obligatory story about my childhood, I’m terrified of fire. I also met this girl at the funeral. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

HERO, GOTH GIRL, SMARTASS, NEW GIRL, and NERD (who also happens to be Frankie Muniz from Malcolm in The Middle) all introduce themselves and decide the best way to remember their dead friend is by playing his computer game.

HERO
Ok, we’ll all play together here. My BOSS will play remotely, alone in his deserted office building.

BOSS dies in the same way he did in the game, cops show up.

COP
Ugh, is this the best role I can land? I was in four seasons of The Wire for God’s sake! Ok, better suck it up. HERO, I’m here to tell you that if you don’t figure this out yourself you will probably be arrested for murder.

HERO
Ok, we still aren’t quite there yet in terms of stakes. Someone else has to get killed. NERD, It’s either you or SMARTASS.

NERD
I was in Malcolm in the Middle for six years. If you think I’m dying this early, before this guy straight out of an LA acting school, you are mistaken. Besides, I once read a book on something called perceptive reality, which I will spout from whenever it seems like the audience is losing interest because of how amazingly stupid this whole thing is.

SMARTASS is killed, exactly like…..yeah.

HERO
OK, I have figured it out. Everyone is dying the same way they die in the game. That’s a cool twist on a tired genre, right?

AUDIENCE
A tiny bit cool, but really just a whole lot crappy because it’s just so horrendously executed.

GOTH GIRL
I’m goth, so obviously the answer to this whole creepy ghost mystery thing is in the massive bookshelf of Gothic chick literature that I own. In fact next to my Anne Rice there is this book about witches and the inquisition. Obviously because HERO is afraid of fire, that’s likely to be the way to kill this ghost thing. Yes, in fact thats it exactly, what are the chances?

HERO
Ok, someone else needs to die now, any volunteers?

NEW GIRL
Well, clearly I’m only here so you and I can hook up and we haven’t done that yet, so it can’t be me.

NERD
Sorry, Malcolm in the Middle, here.

GOTH GIRL
Well I already did the book thing, so that’s me done. Obviously because I’m goth I will separate myself from the group by going outside for a mope and a smoke.

GOTH GIRL dies.

HERO
Hey, I just thought of something. The computer game culture is so prevalent and with games becoming ever more realistic, time consuming and individualized, there is an opportunity here to explore some issues of real substance; like identity, escapism, addiction and obsession….Nah, fuck all that shit, let’s get in the van and drive to where this ghosts creepy old house was.

NERD appears to be killed as they try to get inside the creepy old house.

HERO and NEW GIRL appear to choose the most ludicrous and inopportune moment in the entire movie to hook up.

They fight the BAD GHOST THING in a battle so spectacularly underwhelming that mere words simply don’t do it justice.

Enter NERD, who is not dead after all.

NERD
How many times do you need to be told? I’m Malcolm in the fucking Middle, and whilst I may be in a bit of a slump, I can still contractually wangle not being killed off in some third rate rent check role like this one!

They all escape and everything is back to normal, or is it?

HERO
Oh, No! The game is now on sale to the public, everyone is at risk, oh my God! Hello? Is anyone still watching??

FADE TO BLACK

This entry was posted on Monday, October 27th, 2008 at 8:10 pm and is filed under Features. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.